Benjamin 的个人资料The Fallen Who Wants to ...照片日志列表更多  |  工具 帮助 |
The Fallen Who Wants to RiseTalk y'all. Just talk. 7月19日 In the vernacular of the SAFTraining to be Christians Live for our God Once in our lives All of our time Have you ever wondered Why must we serve Because we love our God and He wants us to be free, to be free Hya! Stand up Be on your guard Come on godly brothers Do your part Come on holy warriors Soul and Heart Have you ever wondered Why must we serve Because we love our God and He wants us to be free, to be free Hya! 6月4日 To the Woman of My Dreams My name is Benjamin, and I'm 23 this year. It's been a rough year, ups and downs and even taking the odd step sideways, if you know what I mean. Church camp was a real hammer blow to me - it challenged me to think about remaining single. I know now that it's alright to be single, and yet still look for you. There's not much to say other than what I've already said. As I grow in my faith and understanding of God and His Word, I pray that I am continually equipping myself to be a better leader, in any situation. Especially for you, I am trying my best to learn to be a true leader - one that leads with conviction and humility, constantly seeking to serve rather than be served. In that way I hope to serve you, to tend to your every need, always recognising that you are not, in fact, a useless lump, but rather my helper - someone who will always support me in times of need, someone whom I can help to grow in Christ. I also hope that when we do get together, our relationship would be a testimony to non-Christians, to show them what a right relationship looks like, rather than the broken relationships we see in our world today. I will also make sure that our relationship would be a pure one, accountable and uplifting to our fellow brothers and sisters in Christ, that we may be faultless, and a blessing to all those around us. I've not much to say this year. It's not because I don't want you - I do. Immensely. My focus has been shifted, however, to be on God's Word instead. If I am to lead you in the ways of Christ, I have to become more Christ-like myself. Although it is not through my efforts, but rather the work of the Spirit in me. I have taken to reading the Bible and trying to understand it. It's starting out slow, but I hope to learn much on my own first. Perhaps someday you will be there for us to help each other. I would look forward to that day. So what are my promises this year? Are they to be any different? I think not. My promises will always be the same, no matter how I feel, no matter what I've done. 1) I love you
2) I never want to let you go
3) I would NEVER cheat on you
4) I will devote all my time to helping us grow in God5) I will learn all I can, so that I can fulfill my spiritual duty to you as a husband Your brother in Christ with all my heart, Benjamin 12月14日 Why I Don't Belong Here The more time I spend here, the more I remember why I need to get out. When I come back here, I become to electronic person - only speaking on MSN, in SMS, or other forms of electronic communication. I have no one here! People disappoint at every turn, waste time and faff about making decisions based on personal preference rather than prior plans. I really really can't stand living here. 10月7日 To the woman of my dreams To the woman of my dreams: My name is Benjamin, and I'm now 22. I forgot to send you a letter this year, but it's just because I've been learning so much about what it means to be with someone that, perhaps for the first time, I was completely focused on something other than being single. In the first few months, the most important thing that I learned about the husband-wife relationship was that I, as the husband, should "love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, 26 that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish." (Ephesians 5:25-27) Learning that really showed me how infantile my attitude was towards relationships. The whole point of a relationship is to suss out if we're suitable for each other, to see if I can fulfill that kind of commitment to you, and if you can "submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord." (Ephesians 5:22) If that's not possible, then whether or not you're the woman of my dreams, we cannot be together. Before, I would've asked if we were able to live with each other's eccentricities, and while it is still an issue to deal with, it's not the focus of the relationship. I want our relationship to help each other grow in God, and mature in the Holy Spirit, so that if we do indeed get married, that I can fulfill my duty to bring you, "holy and without blemish". I have seen many couples around me whom I feel have done the same, and I want to do the same for you. This is how I intend to show my love for you. In my previous letters, my promises have been as such: 1) I love you
2) I never want to let you go
3) I would NEVER cheat on you
4) I will spend as much time with you as i can.
5) I hope you will say the same back to me. Now, my promises have changed. 1) I love you
2) I never want to let you go
3) I would NEVER cheat on you
4) I will devote all my time to helping us grow in God 5) I will learn all I can, so that I can fulfill my spiritual duty to you as a husband 12月25日 what am i doing here?i've been in singapore about 3 weeks now - ever since dec 2nd.
i've got a job, which is pretty good. i haven't actually been paid yet, 'cause i didn't send in my paycheck. since i haven't figured out my GIRO information yet, i can't get the money into my account, so i can't get paid. there are some nice people :) in fact, one of them just left - we'll miss you, marilyn!!
my friends have come back to singapore too, however we haven't been hanging out much. i have no idea why. meh.
this place of desolation.
omg. 8月30日 issuesuni started 6 weeks ago. from the beginning i've been fighting my depression and frustration and rage. most times i've been successful. i slipped once. i hope and pray that i will never go back to that dark place ever again.
1) i'm alone. almost all of my friends are taking other courses and other scheduled times. most of them only have maths in common with me, and most of them don't even go to my lecture. i really miss the days when i could walk into a lecture or a tute and spot like 20 people i know. nowadays that happens rarely, if at all. i don't know if it's actually happening, but i feel like i'm fading into the background.
2) i'm still alone. not even the hint of a relationship. this one really bugs me - i've been told i'm not a total loser, that i'm not ugly or stupid or annoying. i'm never "the guy that girls want to be with", more like "the guy that girls like to talk to", apparently. it's annoying and frustrating. i mean, i like the fact that people find me approachable and friendly, and like being friends with me, but it doesn't mean that i'm always just a friend, right? i have no idea.
3) uni is really starting to get to me. labs are no longer structured, they take twice as long. for the first time, i felt like i had no idea what the hell i was doing in COMP. this is the first time i've ever been stumped by a comp assignment, and it really shook me. hopefully i'll have some clue in the next assignment.
4) all my friends from singapore (that i've known FROM singapore i mean) are in perth. i miss them all, and it really sucks when they talk about "all of us" when i'm here, hearing about it. nowadays, i don't even have time to hang out with my uni friends (no one's looking to hang out anywayz). i just keep wondering - will they remember me when we go back to singapore? i don't think they have any idea what it really feels like to be the only one in a group not included in the group. they'll have inside jokes, and share memories, and have so many fun times together, and i'll hear about it, and laugh along, but i won't remember anything, because i wasn't there.
5) singapore. god. every time i think about that place, it just reminds me of what a hellhole it was. when i go back there, i'll really have no friends to hang out with. i mean, sure sometimes i'll hang with perth people, but they're perth people - they have their things to do as well. it's not like they'll be there the whole time anyway. from unsw? i think i have maybe 2 singapore people - from totally unrelated backgrounds. i don't have a posse of singapore friends unlike most other people. i won't have anyone to hang out with, and no one will call me out. i hate going back. if not for family, i would be staying here over the holidays. at least i'll have people to go out with.
6) exams. are coming. i only physics. which is the one subject i hate studying for. and totally hate TAKING TESTS AND DOING LABS IN.
all of this really collapsed on me that night. only 1 person knows what i was going through, i think. anyone else who laughed about it, they really don't know the truth.
one really is the loneliest number.
peace out
later 7月20日 stuff has happenedhere's a run down of the last 2 weeks
most days: MAN IT HAS BEEN zZzZzZzZz. after all, i spend most of my days playing PSP and reading blogs and typing my own up. read a few magazines, read a few Archies (from an old collection) and basically tidied out my room a.k.a getting rid of old junk (stuff from the past semester). straightened out my closet, etc etc you get the idea. what sucks about holidays is that there never seems to be the perfect balance between having a break, and having too much break time. lol i have no idea if that made sense.
july 13-15: WENT TO THE SNOW. oh. my. god. it was so awesome! the snow was beautiful. the whole week before, it had been snowing like crazy, so we ended up with like 80 cm of snow, apparently. nice soft surface to land on. after all, it wouldn't be very nice if we n00bs had to land on ice or hard ground, now would it? learning how to snowboard was excellent! so easy to pick up, but not so easy to get it right - we starting out doing something called the "leaf fall". it's where you basically break down the hill, going left and right and left and right to pick up speed. the BEST thing about it is, it's safe and reasonably slow enough for us n00bs to get used to, so we had a blast! the 4 of us (nick, law, jess and i) went to some of the gentler slopes, and tried out our "skills", or whatever there was to try LOL. we did alright i guess.
first day, first ADVENTURE! jess lost her board down a blue (intermediate) slope which we were raring to try out. turns out, the slope was CLOSED! but we didn't know that, so we decided to go down after it. nick walked down and law and i joined them at the bottom, luckily they found the board. so we took it reeeeeeally slowly, and boarded our way down. we hit a looooong ice patch, which is really dangerous because it's a hard surface to crack your head on, and there's no breaking effect if the board isn't on the ground. omg we were sooo freaked out that we spent most of our time on our ASS sliding down the hill. in the end a 20-min slope took us about 45 mins to complete. *FREAKY!* after that all i wanted to do was go back to the room and sleep off the adenalin!!
second day was excellent! a small amount of snow had fallen again. this time, we decided to stick to the green routes (easy), but to take the longest one they had - the village trail! this train was amazing. reasonably steep, reasonably fast. we took a much shorter time getting down the course than expected. by the end of it, nick and i were even going sideways! so instead of breaking down the hill, we were going with leading foot actually LEADING! the adenalin rush was amazing. imagine, instead of shaving the ice of the flat of a blade, your're slicing through it with the sharp edge - that's what it felt like! incredible. too bad this happened on the last run of the trip! oh well.
ooh. we also got FOOD POISONING! the spaghetti bolognaise they served for dinner on the first day had raw meat and poorly cooked spaghetti. poor jess had to sit the 2nd day out 'cause she was really feeling bad. add to that the injuries we all sustained from the previous day of falling on our asses, and she could board for half a day! that totally sucked - we felt pretty bad leaving her there ><. one girl actually FAINTED! lol she got back on her feet and hit the slopes soon after - insane, but cool.
so all in all, a pretty successful trip! next time we'll know how to board properly, and maybe we try one of the blue slopes!
july 9th: first hapkido class. this is a martial art form that came from south korea. i learned some of the basic forms, and they were pretty intense. even the breathing exercises get you breathing hard! ok ok so i'm not in the best shape ever, but i mean, it's just breathing! how strenuous could it be? and yet, my heart rate was up. pretty cool. we also learned some kicks, and disarming moves. that was pretty cool. went home that night and had dreams of ass-kicking and name-taking LOL. it doesn't really happen, but at least i'm learning to protect myself. it's pretty fun as well! i also get to work on the teacher's website! it's pretty bare now, so i'll have to work on it, and make it cool :) then i'll have something to show as my work - not like the stuff i did in NS, which i can't show 'cause it's not even online! ><
so that's pretty much it! photos of the ski trip should be up, and i have none of the hapkido - you'll just have to visit the website, won't you? once i've worked on it of course :) http://www.sydney-hapkido.com
peace out.
later. 7月9日 w00t!alright. as of last week, there's been a change in plans.
as it turns out, i am not going back to singapore.
see, there was a bit of a miscommunication with the purchase of the return ticket. at first i'd expected my parents to buy the ticket, seeing as how my credit card hasn't shown up yet. this is bad. HOWEVER, they thought I was going to buy the ticket with the new credit card! daaamn. ANYWAY, at this point there are no more flights back to Sydney, so i guess that's that, ain't it? ain't no way i'm going to singapore without a flight back here. no way, no how.
it was a little retarded to go back to singapore anyway. i would have spent a maximum of 5 days there. pointless, much?
ok, well, as of now it's only 0749, and my brain is not awake yet. it's cold, and raining, and i'm a little tired 'cause i went to gym yesterday, and now i'm sneezing my ass off. i'll update a little more later yeah?
peace out.
later. 7月3日 ouch...went ice skating today!! omg it was sooooo fun! and not as cold as expected. bad thing was, the ice was a total crap-fest! shaved ice everywhere, bumpy as hell, and the ice was a little wet, so it was so slippery! getting up speed was a nightmare. sometimes i'd be moving and suddenly get snagged on a track somewhere ><. But it was soo fun! watching everyone skate, and trying to push lawrence over *MUAHAHAHAHA* that was funny! he never fell though - not through any fault of mine anyway ^^.
so this will be like...the last time i see my friends before i go back to singapore >< the only good thing about this trip back is that i'll get to drive my dad's car. other than that, there's the hot weather, enclosed space of the temporary house, no internet and best of all, i won't even have a room! i'll get the COUCH, or the FLOOR, or even staying at my grandpa's place. (Y). that'll be the condition for the 10 days i'm there. with linus and jia lin gone, my only hope is that evangeline, fern and weng lock will want to hang out. maybe tiana, but i doubt it. maybe i'll just go gym the whole time. maybe jeff will be available. nicky will be available, and maybe i could call out the office, eh? hmmm. just gotta make sure to dodge the usual morons.
evangeline...*sigh*. wrote the card, now i gotta send it. i seriously hope nothing goes awry - worst case scenario, she calls me and tells me to back off, best case scenario, she'll call and thank me for the card, and maybe sound a little weirded out. i'm not expecting anything special from the card - it's the visiting that i hope will "shock and awe" (if anyone remembers that phrase :D). anyway!
SNOWIES! i really hope
a) i don't stack my ass 20,000 times on the board
b) i don't lose my oakleys c) no one steals my PSP
d) no one steals my phone
e) i don't lose my PHONE while stacking
f) i don't lose anything eles valuable
g) i have loads of fun and come back to sydney without a frozen ass/frostbite><
i really wanna learn how to snowboard, and this'll be a great chance for me to test out my oakleys under ski conditions - 18% light opacity huh? we'll see. the best thing about them is that they cover from top to bottom - important to block out glare and reflection from the ground. i seriously cannot afford to lose these - not available commercially ><. i already broke one pair, and i dunno how to fix it! omg.
anyway, the rambling's over.
peace out.
later.
6月24日 how i liveup until now, my philosophy when it comes to living in the real world have been
a) don't trust anyone. zero sum - no trust means no disappointment
b) friends are meant to be kept at arm's length - so that when they disappoint, it won't sting as badly
c) people are base, selfish animals, so never expect anything but evil.
and that has kept me going all these years (excluding the 2 years in high school, but it came back when i went to NS). but now, i don't know. for the first time, i had friends that i know will stick by me through thick and thin. add to that the fact that linus and i are back in contact once again, i think i'll have to rethink my philosophies.
the other night i was talking to a friend about these ideas. i kinda got depressed and pushed her away. and at that point, i realised what i'd done, and it hit me - i'm not alone anymore! how stupid was i to bring all that baggage with me to australia - i wanted to leave it in singapore, but somehow it stuck with me - like a really bad rash.
so now i'm going to change, and trust my friends to be there for me :) life's gonna be good for the next 4 years at least, and most likely for much longer after that :D
*side note* i got 30/26 for assignment 2!! W00TIES! 6月21日 halfway therewell, that's 2 exams over so far.
maths was awesome!! omg man the only other time i've ever had such a good exam, it was my 3U exam in 2004! like wth? of course there were a few questions i had no idea how to answer - it wouldn't be an exam without those - but most of it was like....zoom! done. checked answers and cleared up (what i hope were) careless mistakes, and i even saved myself from losing major points due to a missed section. *WHEW*!
electrical. omg what a sin to humanity. i totally messed that one up. just went in there, sat down, looked at the paper and TOTALLY blanked out! wth! i couldn't even remember how to determine the thevenin equivalent circuit! >< totally depressed me. in the end i think i pulled it out my ass. *sigh* worst exam ever. even after studying it. i'm so dead there. no HD for me....
well there's computing and PHYSICS left. these should seriously seperate the men from the boys. the funny thing is, for computing, it doesn't matter how good you are at programming, if you suck at exams you could still score a low mark, 'cause the exam is worth 60%, and the assignments are only worth 30% (other stuff = 10%). so even if you score well for the assignments, you still have to be able to take the exam, which sucks, since the only thing we can study is the set of notes that the crappiest lecturer on the planet created. PHYSICS will really kill us all, seeing as no one has any idea for the most part. there are smart ppl around - REALLY smart ppl, and they feel stressed about it as well. oh well. the only thing we can do is to study as hard as we can right?
time to hit the sack, then hit the books ><.
peace out.
later. 6月9日 birthdaymy birthday was a couple of days ago. i'm 21! makes no difference to me - in fact, i'm glad to be older. more mature and all that. more life experience behind me. my birthdays have never been a good thing. i didn't celebrate them with friends. i went out for dinner with my family and that was it. pretty ><. this year was, like, my 2nd time celebrating my birthday since i was...13? ish? and to be honest, it was alright. i was planning to avoid all my friends, and try to get this day overwith with minimum fuss. no expectations means no disappointment right?
i'm so glad that plan failed.
little miss kaily tricked me into walking back to the quad where they had a cake and presents waiting. i was like :S at first, but then i started to like it. haha! i have some awesome friends, and i'm so glad i didn't succeed in avoiding them. i got some pretty awesome gifts! (thanks all!) the cake was good (even if it may have caused me some discomfort - WHIPPED CREAM!!) and the lunch after that was ... small but nice.
the day was pretty awesome as well! i drove to uni and decided to park in the multistory on barker. i turned into the lots and lo! there was a spot riiight in my face. i went about my awesome day, and got a 10/10 for a maths test! like wth! 3rd time already...lol. so the day went on, and i was studying in the physics building 'til about 1630, when i realised that my ticket expired an hour ago! i figured, screw it, the ticket will or won't be there, regardless of whether i check or not. turns out, I DIDN'T GET A PARKING TICKET! on the way home from uni, i hear on the radio that MY RADIO IS ON SALE!! i just bought it, and all the crap associated with it was less than the RRP for the radio alone! w000000!! installation will be done soon, then all i need is a sub and an amp. i might even install a remote lock just to keep it all safe!
so all in all, pretty awesome start to my 21st year of life. you know what they say right? it's all downhill from here? well bring it!!
peace out.
later. 6月3日 to the girl of my dreams, once againJune 3rd, 2006.
to the girls of my dreams:
my name is Benjamin. i am currently 19, and am attempting to become a real person.
i know you're out there somewhere, waiting for me. i know because i'm looking for you, and some day i will find you. when i do, i promise that the only thing i want you to feel is love and safety. i swear that i will never hurt you intentionally, and if i do, there is a very large guitar in my room.
if i haven't met you, i hope our meeting will be magical. that there will be sparks in the air. when i ask you out the first time, please accept. i don't know where or when i will bring you out, but if i'm there with you, it would be perfect. we could be in the darkest alley, or the noisiest club, or the most boring spot in the whole world, but i will still be enthralled by your presence.
it doesn't matter to me if you're absolutely beautiful or sexy like a model. i can't say truthfully that appearances don't count, because then i'd be lying (any guy who says that is lying). what i can say truthfully is that when i meet you, and i feel you're the one, appearances will take a back seat to the true you. i hope you will accept me for who i am as well. i am not perfect. i am not a suave charmer. in fact, i have no idea how i might actually meet you. but when i do, i hope i will be who i really want to be - slightly charming, sweet and caring. that is the person i want you meet - the real me.
as we become closer, i hope that our relationship will help us both grow, for what use is a relationship if it doesn't change a person for the better? my love for you will be unending, girl of my dreams. i know my family will want to get to know you, because if they didn't meet you, they'd only know half of who i really am.
when i finally decide to spend the rest of my life with you, i want you to know several things:
1) i love you
2) i never want to let you go
3) i would NEVER cheat on you
4) i will spend as much time with you as i can.
5) i hope you will say the same back to me.
i'm really excited to meet you, girl of my dreams. i'm excited because when i'm with you, i'll never be alone again. you will fill my heart with joy and peace, as i hope i will do for you.
yours sincerely,
benjamin
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
to the girl of my dreams:
it's me again. Benjamin. i'm 20, and i'm starting to understand who i am.
you're still out there. i thought i met someone like you, but i turned out to be wrong. the relationship was good, but it just wasn't with you. i learned alot from that, and i hope that someday it will benefit the both of us. i'm starting to learn alot about myself, both the good and the bad. i'm a selfish person, and i have a very short fuse. i am violent, and if not for my massive self-control, i would've killed someone by now. i'm not the best driver in the world - in fact, a year on, i still stall my car once in a while. i also know that i am a faithful and loyal friend. i have been tested on cheating, and stayed true to the one i'm with. i'm smart, funny, helpful and a true friend (most of the time).
you're still out there somewhere . i've met a whole lot of people since i've come to australia. i may have met you, but not seen you. i hope that some day, someday soon, we will be together. i've been thinking alot about what i want in life, and you play a major factor in most of it.
nothing i expect from you has changed. you may not be the prettiest flower, or the funniest joker, or the loudest and most verbose speaker. but you are kind, and eloquent, and funny, and mature. you will not force me to make a decision between you and my friends, because i don't need to be forced. you will, instead, realise that you are the only person in my life who is truely on my mind all the time.
my promises to you have not changed.
1) i love you
2) i never want to let you go
3) i would NEVER cheat on you
4) i will spend as much time with you as i can.
5) i hope you will say the same back to me.
i'm still looking for you, somewhere out there, you're looking for me too. i'll meet you some day. and when that day comes, we'll be smiling.
yours sincerely,
benjamin 5月8日 when things happen...to those involved,
i'm not pissed. in fact i'm relieved that things turned out the way they did. i'm glad i don't have to choose anyone over anyone else.
here's the thing, though. when we split apart, you all promised to keep me updated if anything major happened. well i would consider this to be pretty major, wouldn't u? but i only found out about it when things got this bad. i would appreciate it if you didn't wait 'til the end of the rope before telling me.
this is the thing about living in a totally different state - i know nothing. i hear nothing, i see nothing, i have nothing to say unless you tell me what's going on.
next time, if you guys have a problem, let me help ok? 'cause if it affects all of us, i would like to think that i'm included in that list. thanks.
chill out.
later. 5月6日 God-thoughtsDoxology (sung by Nichole Nordeman)
Praise God from whom all blessing flow
Praise Him all creatures here below
Praise Him above you heavenly hosts
Praise Father, Son and Holy Ghost
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Can you say this and believe it?
Dear God,
Thank you that your Son, the Lord Jesus
Has used his power to win a pardon for my treason
Please forgive me for the way I have been living
I invite you into my life
Help me to live Your way
From this day on.
Amen
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