uni started 6 weeks ago. from the beginning i've been fighting my depression and frustration and rage. most times i've been successful. i slipped once. i hope and pray that i will never go back to that dark place ever again.

 

1) i'm alone. almost all of my friends are taking other courses and other scheduled times. most of them only have maths in common with me, and most of them don't even go to my lecture. i really miss the days when i could walk into a lecture or a tute and spot like 20 people i know. nowadays that happens rarely, if at all. i don't know if it's actually happening, but i feel like i'm fading into the background.

 

2) i'm still alone. not even the hint of a relationship. this one really bugs me - i've been told i'm not a total loser, that i'm not ugly or stupid or annoying. i'm never "the guy that girls want to be with", more like "the guy that girls like to talk to", apparently. it's annoying and frustrating. i mean, i like the fact that people find me approachable and friendly, and like being friends with me, but it doesn't mean that i'm always just a friend, right? i have no idea.

 

3) uni is really starting to get to me. labs are no longer structured, they take twice as long. for the first time, i felt like i had no idea what the hell i was doing in COMP. this is the first time i've ever been stumped by a comp assignment, and it really shook me. hopefully i'll have some clue in the next assignment.

 

4) all my friends from singapore (that i've known FROM singapore i mean) are in perth. i miss them all, and it really sucks when they talk about "all of us" when i'm here, hearing about it. nowadays, i don't even have time to hang out with my uni friends (no one's looking to hang out anywayz). i just keep wondering - will they remember me when we go back to singapore? i don't think they have any idea what it really feels like to be the only one in a group not included in the group. they'll have inside jokes, and share memories, and have so many fun times together, and i'll hear about it, and laugh along, but i won't remember anything, because i wasn't there.

 

5) singapore. god. every time i think about that place, it just reminds me of what a hellhole it was. when i go back there, i'll really have no friends to hang out with. i mean, sure sometimes i'll hang with perth people, but they're perth people - they have their things to do as well. it's not like they'll be there the whole time anyway. from unsw? i think i have maybe 2 singapore people - from totally unrelated backgrounds. i don't have a posse of singapore friends unlike most other people. i won't have anyone to hang out with, and no one will call me out. i hate going back. if not for family, i would be staying here over the holidays. at least i'll have people to go out with.

 

6) exams. are coming. i only physics. which is the one subject i hate studying for. and totally hate TAKING TESTS AND DOING LABS IN.

 

all of this really collapsed on me that night. only 1 person knows what i was going through, i think. anyone else who laughed about it, they really don't know the truth.

 

one really is the loneliest number.

 

peace out

later