things are getting better. i'm not going to say that i don't still have flashes of the future i lost, but i don't long for them as much anymore. if they happen, they happen. but i'm not going to force the issue. like they said, if it's meant to be, it's meant to be, and time will tell.

 

i guess there's always that. but until then, i won't let that possible future affect me here and now. i have work, i have friends and i have study. life is good. i also have money, which makes life BETTER. i have my health, although that can be subjective - i feel fine, but obviously my body has problems :S in the meantime, i'll keep myself busy and smiling all the way.

 

the sadness is lifting. the eyes will tell you when it's gone.

 

peace out.

later.

life sucks again. for the first time since i've been here, life is truely bad. it's not work, it's not friends. it's just my crappy-ass life. i guess this is what happens when good things go wrong.

 

in the back of my mind, i always knew that this might happen one day. i never expected it to be this early. i couldn't stand being there, with all those happy people around. the minute i heard there was a flight home, i took it, and damn the expense. luckily my mom let me reclaim the cost of getting an earlier flight.

 

it's just so weird. you have all these plans in your head. nothing extremely big, since it was still early. there was the christmas brunch where i was going to introduce her to my family. there was the trip the 4 of us were supposed to take in january. now all i can think about is that stuff, and how it'll never happen now. i just can't stand it. running around in my head like a hamster wheel, and i'm getting tired.

 

now i'm all alone in a big, scary city. i have my friends, and i'm thankful for them, but it's just not the same. i need help, but i don't want to ask for help because there's really nothing anyone else can do. i want to work through this on my own but at the same time i need to know what to do. should i wait? should i wait until things get better, then try again? or abandon all hope, and move on? i always say, "let go, and move on". what a load of bullshit it sounds like now, coming from me, when i can't even make that decision myself.

 

so now i am all i have. with all these images of her in my mind, i have to walk through the shadows to see the sun again. when will that be? when will i see the sun again? i may laugh when you see me, and i may joke around and jump around, but look again - i don't let most ppl see what's under the surface.

 

peace out.

later.